Is Grief Support Right For You?
how do you manage your grief?
Emotional pain from loss is a universal human experience. But the way we manage our grief is unique.
Some of us manage emotional pain with alcohol, drugs, food challenges, busy-ness or bingeing our favourite online entertainment. We follow the examples of the adult role models we’ve had in our lives and bury sad feelings; we prioritize the needs of others and try to be strong. When these strategies fall short, we can feel alone, we can even feel broken, like there is something inherently wrong with us.
You’re Not Alone
Whether you’re going through a breakup, a death, a miscarriage, the end of a friendship, or any loss, grieving is a universal, natural, and personal experience.
Grief support can help you take the time to learn the misconceptions you are carrying about grief and loss and replace them with a belief system that aligns with your values. Grief support can help you find new ways to move forward that are informed by evidence-based practices, while being tailored to your unique experience.
common Misconceptions about grief
A well-known example of how we continue to misunderstand grief is the "stages of grief" model. In 1969, Elizabeth Kubler-Ross introduced this concept in her book: On Death and Dying, which described the emotions terminally ill patients might experience: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptance. However, these stages have been incorrectly applied to all grieving processes, and often thought of as linear in nature. People can feel like there is something wrong with them if they aren’t aligning with these phases or keep going back to a certain emotion. In reality, how we experience grief is highly individual—some people cry, some do not, some feel anger, and others do not. Attempting to categorize grief into fixed stages can be damaging. While there are no universal stages of grief, specific characteristics are commonly observed among grievers, such as difficulty concentrating, sleeping problems, and changes in eating habits.
Another widespread misconception is the notion that "time heals all wounds." It has been found that time alone does not heal a broken heart; it is the actions taken during that time that facilitate recovery.
Similarly, the advice to "keep busy" can be misleading. Staying busy may distract individuals from their feelings but keeping busy does not help them process their grief and can actually prolong their suffering.
Moving Forward - Creating a Recover Plan
Grief recovery support can help you create a plan that makes room for your honest experience, in the context of a supportive relationship where you can feel witnessed and understood. Often there is a desire to grieve alone, but, in our experience, grieving with another person who sees your pain and carries it with you is a beautiful recipe for healing. Grief is the normal, natural response to loss of any kind. The study of anthropology confirms that humanity needs each other. We were built for connection. Since the beginning we have counted on community for our very survival. Beyond survival, we need community to thrive.
It’s very difficult to move past our pain if we are unable to tell the truth about our thoughts and feelings and feel heard, validated, and understood. Having a grief counsellor provides a relationship where you can share the things you wouldn’t normally say out loud. When we avoid talking about the negative or painful memories it can also prevent us from cherishing the happy memories. Although it can be difficult to talk about the painful, even dark aspects of the grief experience or the person we are grieving; somehow in this sharing, we can release some of the burden we are carrying and open up space for the happy memories we would never want to forget.
In time, grief recovery work allows us to talk about our loved ones without the memories always turning painful and shutting us down. As a grief recovery specialist, I’ve witnessed and experienced personally what a true gift that is. I’ve witnessed how this work can make room for peace, even in the midst of loss.
Still Unsure if Grief Recovery Support is Right For You? Consider These Questions:
What do you do with unresolved feelings when you think about the person who passed?
How do you handle regrets, and the things you wish had gone differently, gone better, or the feeling that you wanted more time?
What about the lost hopes, dreams, and future expectations?
This is what Grief Recovery Institute says about the Grief Recovery Method I have successfully used with many of my clients:
“[The Grief Recovery Method] offers the tools for grounding yourself in the present moment and regulating your emotions. But more importantly, it helps you navigate the complex emotions tied to your relationship with the deceased, allowing you to find peace and emotional completion.
Grief Recovery isn't just a process; it's a powerful emotional tool that assists you in addressing the lingering emotions and unresolved feelings tied to your loss. The result: you feel better about the unfinished business in the relationships that changed or ended.
We use the word Recovery because the goal is recovering your quality of life. It’s about getting something back that you lost because of grief, and that's your quality of life.”
What if learning new habits and using different tools could heal your emotional pain?
Grief support can help you with unfinished business, memories that keep coming up, and people you keep thinking about. This work creates space to heal unresolved emotional pain.
So, is grief support right for you?
In my experience we can all benefit from this work. I have even enjoyed teaching a simplified version of the recovery tools to children and teens, because the earlier we learn to naturally process grief, loss, and pain the better. It’s rewarding to watch young people pivot from hiding and grieving alone to sharing their thoughts, feelings, and beliefs with me, or writing a grief recovery letter. I personally spent way too many years feeling isolated and incompetent in this area, and it fills me with joy to see people learn it early.
It is also a joy to witness seniors release pain in their lives; I’ve witnessed seniors experience the freedom to share their truth or write letters to loved ones and reflect on all of the meaningful thoughts that should be cherished and remembered.
Parents who have lost children, women who have experienced a pregnancy loss, the list is endless and the work is sacred.
If any of this resonates, it might be time for you to begin your own grief recovery journey. I would be honoured to partner with you.
Don’t hesitate to reach out to lisa@harbourcounselling.ca with your questions and to get started today!
Lisa Brown, MA
Counsellor
Grief Recovery Specialist